Question 1. My understanding is that Islam states that a husband shall provide separate housing for his wife, if his wife wishes for that and that he has the financial means to do so. If she’s happy to stay with his parents, that’s a separate topic but if she is not happy to stay with his parents and he has the financial capacity to provide separate accommodation, he must provide a separate house to her. Is this correct? Can you please clarify?
Question 2. A man has a duty towards looking after his parents. What about the wife’s parents? Is the couple not equally responsible towards the wife’s parents? If the wife’s parents have no sons, who is meant to look after them?
Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatuh
There are a number of issues that arise as a result of your questions, some issues will influence the direction of the answer. For example, are the parents healthy, wealthy and able to live independently? Do they need help or support? Do they need special care? Without the answer to these questions, and without being able to speak to you and your husband and in laws, we can only give general guidance.
Islam does recognise the rights of the parents, the wife and the children to Nafaqah (being financially provided for) as well as physical and emotional support.
1 – General rule of Nafaqah
Outlined below is a list showing on whom lies the responsibility for looking after the needs of a male, and a female (in order. If the first is unavailable or incapable then go to the next).
Male:
1. Himself
2. His oldest able son
3. His oldest able grandson, etc
4. His father
5. His paternal grandfather, if able
6. His oldest able brother (full brother, then paternal brother, then maternal brother)
7. His oldest able paternal uncle
8. His oldest able paternal cousin
9. The Muslim people
Female:
1. Her husband
2. Her oldest able son
3. Her oldest able grandson, etc
4. Her father
5. Her paternal grandfather, if able
6. Her oldest able brother (full brother, then paternal brother, then maternal brother)
7. Her oldest able paternal uncle
8. Her oldest able paternal cousin
9. The Muslim people
In short it is the عصبة (natural heirs) in inheritance
2) Nafaqah to the wife
Under the teaching of Islam, the husband is obliged to provide accommodation to the wife to the same standard of his accommodation:-
أَسْكِنُوهُنَّ مِنْ حَيْثُ سَكَنتُم مِّن وُجْدِكُمْ وَلَا تُضَارُّوهُنَّ لِتُضَيِّقُوا عَلَيْهِنَّ
Translation: provide domicile for them from the standard that you reside in, according to your means, annoy them not, so as not to restrict them. (Surah al-Talaq: 6)
Allah, Ta’ala also said in the Al-Quran:
وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً
Translation: “And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” (Surah al-Rum: 21)
The above verses, highlight a number of important points:
The standard of accommodation (same as the husband).
Marital life should create tranquillity (The wife must create a tranquil atmosphere for her husband and he must reciprocate).
Allah, Ta’ala created love and compassion between husband and wife.
Islam has placed an obligation upon a husband to provide Nafaqah to his wife.
الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللَّـهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَىٰ بَعْضٍ وَبِمَا أَنفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ
Men are the protectors and maintainers over women because Allah has preferred some over others (with different traits and abilities) and through what they spend of their moneys.” (An Nisa: 34)
3)Nafaqah to the parents
Allah has, through a number of verses in the Holy Qur’an, made an obligation on Muslims to take care of their parents. There are many verses in Al-Quran that refer to the responsibilities of children to their parents as well as the Akhlaq (manners) to be observed when communicating with the parents. Allah, Ta’ala says in the Al- Quran;
وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا
Translation: “Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind[1] to your parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age while they are with you, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour” (Surah Al-Isra’:23)
Islam recognizes a person who serves his/her parents as being among the best believers and Allah promises heaven to them, based on the hadeeth narrated by Abu Hurairah R.A, Rasulullah (sallalahu ‘alayhi wassalam) said:-
رَغِمَ أَنْفُ ثُمَّ رَغِمَ أَنْفُ ثُمَّ رَغِمَ أَنْفُ. قِيلَ مَنْ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ قَالَ: مَنْ أَدْرَكَ أَبَوَيْهِ عِنْدَ الْكِبَرِ أَحَدَهُمَا أَوْ كِلَيْهِمَا فَلَمْ يَدْخُلِ الْجَنَّةَ
Translation: His nose will be subdued[2] then his nose will be subdued then his nose will be subdued. It was asked: Whom O messenger of Allah? He said: any man whose parents reach old age and he does not enter paradise. (meaning that his parents attain old age and he does not look after their needs). (Riwayat Muslim (2551))
Notwithstanding the obligation towards the wife mentioned earlier, a husband is also obligated to take care of his parents especially in situations where the parents need assistance in their daily lives.
عَنْ عبد الله بن عمرو أَنَّ رَجُلًا أَتَى النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ فَقَالَ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ إِنَّ لِي مَالاً وَوَلَدًا وَإِنَّ وَالِدِي يَجْتَاحُ مَالِي قَالَ أَنْتَ وَمَالُكَ لِوَالِدِكَ إِنَّ أَوْلَادَكُمْ مِنْ أَطْيَبِ كَسْبِكُمْ فَكُلُوا مِنْ كَسْبِ أَوْلَادِكُمْ
Abdullah ibn Amr reported: A man came to the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, and said, “O Messenger of Allah, I have some property and my father takes my property.” The Prophet said, “You and your property belong to your father. Verily, your children are the most wholesome of your earnings, so eat from what your children earn.”
(Source: Sunan Abī Dāwūd 3530)
Issue : Providing separate accommodation if the husband has the financial capacity:
The issue of accommodation is a matter that is normally negotiated between the Wali and the husband prior to marriage[3]. At this point, stipulations are made for what the parties expect.
If the parties are not satisfied with their accommodation after the marriage takes place, they can discuss and negotiate with each other to improve or change their living arrangements.
The general rule is that the accommodation is a place that will provide rest and tranquillity. When providing for accommodation or living expenses, Allah, Ta’ala says:
لِيُنفِقْ ذُو سَعَةٍ مِّن سَعَتِهِ ۖ وَمَن قُدِرَ عَلَيْهِ رِزْقُهُ فَلْيُنفِقْ مِمَّا آتَاهُ اللَّـهُ ۚ لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّـهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا مَا آتَاهَا ۚ سَيَجْعَلُ اللَّـهُ بَعْدَ عُسْرٍ يُسْرًا
Let a man of wealth spend from his wealth, and he whose provision is restricted – let him spend from what Allah has given him. Allah does not charge a soul except [according to] what He has given it. Allah will bring about, after hardship, ease. (Surah al-Talaq: 7)
There is no obligation on either party to provide beyond their means.
Obligations towards parents:
Marriage does not take away a man’s obligations towards his parents. These obligations remain, the fulfilments of these obligations will provide for a happier and more blessed life for the family. The man must look after his parents especially if they are weak and cannot cope on their own.
If issues arise between the wife and her in-laws, it is best to deal with these issues. We may all be in their situation one day. Our children will see how we treated our parents, they will learn from us. This does not mean that we have to remain in an intolerable situation. We will have to compensate for these situations in ways that can restore the peace and joy to the relationship.
Discussion and communication are the means to a healthy marriage. Islam is a faith that always encourages Shura, it is best to discuss issues and where necessary seek professional counselling from your trusted Imam.
Allah SWT says:
وشَاوِرْهُمْ فِي الْأَمْرِ
“and consult them in the matter” (Surah Ali Imran :159)
Sheikh al-Maraghi said: “Consulting each other bears many benefits; among them is to see that there is a union of the heart in settling an issue.”
A faithful Muslim should not view the Nafaqah provided to parents as a burden, it should be regarded as an act of Ihsan towards them as emphasized by the teachings of Islam. At the same time, the husband should also balance the responsibility of Nafaqah towards the wife and children according to his means.
The Messenger of Allah -peace and prayer of Allah be upon him said:
عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو عَنْ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ رِضَى الرَّبِّ فِي رِضَى الْوَالِدِ وَسَخَطُ الرَّبِّ فِي سَخَطِ الْوَالِدِ
Translation: Abdullah ibn Amr reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings upon him, said, “The pleasure of the Lord is in the pleasure of the father, and the displeasure of the Lord is in the displeasure of the father.” (Sunan al-Tirmidhī 1899)
Allah has ordained that we take care of our parents. There are many verses in Al-Quran that guide us towards honouring our parents and having the best Akhlaq (manners) with them. Allah, Ta’ala says in the Al- Quran;
وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا
Translation: “Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to your parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour.” (Surah Al-Isra’:23)
Coming back to your situation, a husband is not obliged to provide Nafaqah to the parents-in-law as the primary obligation towards parents lies upon their sons as explained above. However, providing such Nafaqah on the in-laws, if he has the means, is a highly commendable act.
Ibnul Munzir (318 H) said
أجمع أهل العلم على أن نفقة الوالدين الفقيرين اللذين لا كسب لهما، ولا مال، واجبة في مال الولد
The consensus of the scholars is that spending (Nafaqah) on parents who are poor, have no (or insufficient) income and no money is an obligation on the son who has the means. (Al-Mughni: 8/212)
In another hadeeth narrated by Ummul Mu’minin A’ishah Radhiyallahu anha, the Prophet, peace and blessings upon him, said:
إنَّ أَطْيَبَ مَا أَكَلَ الرَّجُلُ مِنْ كَسْبِهِ، وَإِنَّ وَلَدَهُ مِنْ كَسْبِهِ
Translation : “The best that a man can eat is from his own earnings, and his son is among his earnings” (reported by Abu Dawood).
عَنْ عبد الله بن عمرو أَنَّ رَجُلًا أَتَى النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ فَقَالَ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ إِنَّ لِي مَالًا وَوَلَدًا وَإِنَّ وَالِدِي يَجْتَاحُ مَالِي قَالَ أَنْتَ وَمَالُكَ لِوَالِدِكَ إِنَّ أَوْلَادَكُمْ مِنْ أَطْيَبِ كَسْبِكُمْ فَكُلُوا مِنْ كَسْبِ أَوْلَادِكُمْ
Translation: According to Abdullah Bin Amr, a man came to the prophet, peace and blessings upon him, and said: O messenger of Allah, I have money and my father takes from it. (The prophet, peace and blessings upon him) said: You and your money are for your father, your children are amongst the best of your earnings, so consume from the earning of your children.
Al-Azimabadi said, “The meaning is that if the father needs your property, he may take it from you by the measure of his need, just as he would take it from his own property.” (Source: ‘Awn al-Ma’būd 3530)
There are a two Halal ways to deal with rights and obligations:
1 – To always seek one’s full rights justly (‘Adl).
2 – To be magnanimous (Fadl).
To illustrate this point, one should ask themselves the question: how would I like to be judged by Allah? Do I want His justice or His generosity, forbearance and forgiveness? This is a great rule to implement when dealing with others, that is, to treat them in the way that you would like Allah, Ta’ala to treat you.
This does not mean that you always bear intolerable situations. Allah does not give any person any burden beyond their capacity:
لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا
Translation: Allah Does not impose on any soul except what is within its capacity (to bear). (Al Baqara 286).
If you feel that your situation is becoming unbearable, it might be advisable to seek counselling or intervention. We may be able to arrange to properly assess your individual situation and make an appropriate ruling. In the meantime, if the parents require care, it might be an idea to consider for them:
Granny flat type accommodation
Living in adjoining units or houses
And Allah knows best
[1] The word in Arabic is “Ihsan” towards parents, Ihsan is a word that is broader than kindness, in the context, it means that your conduct with them must be of a standard of excellence or a high standard.
Kindness to parents, includes doing each righteous deed for them that you can and refraining from doing anything that may hurt them. This is how to be grateful to them. Allah says: “… Show gratitude to Me and to your parents: to Me is (your final) destination.” (Al-Israa’: 24)
Kindness to parents is the dearest deed to Allah, after Prayer. The Prophet (S.A.W) was asked: “Which deed is the dearest to Allah? (In another narration it was said: which deed is the best?) He replied: “Performing prayer on its time.” It was asked: What is next? He said: “Kindness to parents.” It was asked: What is next? He said: “Jihad in the cause of Allah.” (Bukhari & Muslim)
[2] An expression to imply that the nose is rubbed in the earth, as in the person will be humiliated and in a state of loss.
[3] This is a practice in many cultures. In many cases, the bride raises this issue, however, in traditional societies, the Wali would raise it. The Wali is the father or guardian.